Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sleepless night. I really dread this the most. Never would I realise that I would get so affected by this incident. The previous time I had a such a serious conflict with a fren was when was in primary sch. Years of not meeting such problems have left me totally at a loss when a similar situation hit upon me all of a sudden. I told myself to stop thinking bout it, and let nature take its course, but still, the min I close my eyes, my mind will be full of thoughts of this incident. I have unknowingly let this issue affected me so much, to the extent that my asthma has come back to haunt me again. A few weeks ago, I was still relieved that I have not been having any asthma attacks ever since after O Level, n now the whole torturous experience has come back again. Sometimes, I juz hate myself being so weak - both physically and mentally-. I have been trying hard to think of a solution to this problem, and yet, I have let this incident affected me so much. Insomnia, asthma attacks, and even this problem, how can I overcome them?
4th mvmt; The Grand Finale
6:31 AM
Monday, June 1, 2009
Again, I did not have my lunch and dinner today. Did not have my lunch as I did not have the time to. Did not have my dinner because the damn lizard happily helped me to eat it. I was practising the piano when dinner was ready, and by the time i reached the dining table, that damn lizard was seating there enjoy the meal. Alright, I know it sounds ridiculous for me to dwell over such a small issue, but lizard is my biggest fear. I could never conquer this fear, no matter how hard I try to. Too bad for me, I have to forgo my dinner. My gastric is aching once again. Alright, I'll juz pretend that I did not feel the pain. At least this helps me to burn calories. Okies, I'll juz go and have a good rest n dream bout food, so that the pain will be gone tomorrow. Thx a whole lot, Mr Lizard.
4th mvmt; The Grand Finale
12:14 AM
Sunday, May 31, 2009
After a long roller coaster journey, I'm finally back to writing my blog. Well, I have to say, this six months is a tiring, horrible and pathetic long journey. With all the painful experiences of effort spiralling down the drain, unfairness, prejudice & favoritism as seen from the act of some teachers whom I shall not mention who, I have finally seen the cruelty of life. Never would I have the ability to have the "dare to dream wild" attitude again. The higher the hope, the greater the disappointment.
I could still remember the resolution I've made at the start of the year - since I was given this chance (the dumb DSA thingy of course), and since I have chosen this path, I should do it well-. And I did try my utmost to fulfill this goal. Well, sadly, I have only come to realise hard work is never enough. Putting hardwork aside, there are many more elements that have to be fulfilled before reaching this goal. Those include luck, and worst of all, favoritism. That is something that disgusts me the most. Unfortunately, it has a major role to play in this whole thing.
The world is definitely much more complicated than what we think. I've realised more of them after entering college. Farewell to the innocent, naive thoughts. Those are just silly illusions that will bring you to nowhere. Someone has asked be before if I'm really happy in TJC, or in chamber. I replied with a smile, though inwardly, my heart was numb and cold, after being stabbed billions of times. The smile meant nothing.
Definitely, I have had many great moments in TJC. The frens that I've made are great people. The sweet and fun stuffs we've done will always stay with me. However, those horrible incidents that I've come across with, and the painful decisions I had to make (starting from the giving up of music as my future career), have really left me hurt and wounded.
After all, nothing is fair in this world. I hope I could just have a long, deep sleep that would set my mind peaceful for once. However, running away from reality will not salvage the problem. I find myself neither here nor there.
4th mvmt; The Grand Finale
1:24 AM
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Seriously, do the teachers in TJC even bother to spare a thought on how the students feel? Take the teachers who are in charge of talentime for instance, each and every of their word is full of thorns! The way one of them commented was as if a little kid complaining whatever things that she dun like, in such demanding and unreasonable manner. We've already put in our utmost in improving this damn performance, and why can't they do their parts in improving things lyk the sound control, mikes etc? Even the clip-on mike was spoiled. And honestly speaking, do that teacher even bother to consider what really is important is the effort?! Shooting back harsh comments and yelling at us about and complaining how boring classical music is, is that what she really enjoys doing?! I do appreciate that she does wan us to present ourselves in the best manner. However, why can't she do it in a slightly, JUZ SLIGHTLY more pleasant way?! Complaining to us about how fucking damn bored she is seriously CHILDISH, especially when she's supposed to be a teacher. If the teachers do not even bother to set role examples for their students, why shd we even care to listen to them?
4th mvmt; The Grand Finale
9:37 PM
Friday, January 30, 2009
I'm still in a dilemma between choosing biology or physics for my A level subject. Physics have always been my best subject among my three sciences, and my parents both major in physics. But here's the problem, I have no interest in physics at all. All my interest is in biology. Nonetheless, my biology results were inconsistent. Initially, I thought of choosing whichever one that I'll score better in O level. However, I got both A1 for biology and physics in the end. Moreover, I heard biology is the hardest subject among the three sciences in JC, and I'll be taking H3 music, which will already be taking a lot of my time. Argh I'm really in a huge dilemma now. Should I follow my interest and continue to pursue biology, or should I head for the subject I'm better at?
Alright it's getting late. I'll need to prepare for tomorrow's lesson with my piano students. It'll be my last lesson with the kids tomorrow, as sch is reopening very soon. Hope it will also be the most enjoyable one with them. (=
4th mvmt; The Grand Finale
10:51 PM
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Love, as complicated as it always is. Frankly speaking, I do wanna know the truth too, about how he feels. But I seriously do not wish to risk our friendship for love. So perhaps, juz let things be as it is right now. It's still too young for us too anyway, as what I personally feel.
4th mvmt; The Grand Finale
12:33 AM
Friday, January 23, 2009
Like as if my life isn't bad enough. Now, the worst situation has really hit upon me. Something worse than me quarrelling with my parents, something worse than me not able to get into my desired JC of four years, something worse than failing an exam in nchs back then, and something far worse than going through a painful period during a breakup. It's something so horrendous and disastrous that I had lost the interest in doing everything, even playing the piano and violin. Seriously, I dun have the slightest idea how I can accept it.
Now, all I have in mind is the uncertainty of my future. I'm really unsure of whether I could still hang on any further. Never would I hurt myself again, because I have come to realise that it's really a childish way of dealing a matter. Never would I make myself drunk again, because when the last time I did, I vomited badly and suffered from an asthma attack. However, there is a thought that has flashed across my mind...
Perhaps if I were to really disappear from this world, my parents would have one less burden. Never would they need to bear my selfishness again. Never would they have to quarrel with me -who in their heart of hearts, is juz a self-centred gal-. Perhaps by then, their world would be really a peaceful paradise.
Death, suicide -how foolish is that-. Even I myself feel so too. However, as I thought through it the of yesterday's night - like as if making a serious decision, or like as if I was studying for an exam- , I feel that it is STILL an idea of solving this tremendous problem. Seriously, my parents would really have lessened a HUGE burden, isn't that GREAT for them? Moreover, that's the only solution I could think of right now. However, to think about it again, I can't do that either. Running away from a problem is nvr what I wanna do. I should face the problem. To add on to this, our life is not truly ours. Life is a gift from God. Taking away our life is juz like turning away from God. Moreover, the word "suicide" can never be found in the bible.
However, how long can I still hang on? This is really the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. In fact, I seriously can't believe it's happening to me. But what if another more disastrous event comes along? I have seriously lost the interest in life. I'm really on the verge of giving up, because by trying harder is only going to make me feel more tired and hurt.
4th mvmt; The Grand Finale
9:32 PM
